Where I Belong
by klcarr892
Summary: Things should have been better for Jane post Red John but instead he took a giant leap backwards. What happened to get the consultant stuck on such a hopeless loop and what will it take to knock him off of it?
1. Chapter 1

_A/N Hello friends! It's been a while but I'm still around. Have only had time for reading as of late but I've come up with this one. It's not super long (4-5 chapters) and it's about halfway typed already so there shouldn't be long gaps between chapters. Hope you're enjoying the new season as much as I am. :o)_

_Disclaimer: I don't won TM or any of it's characters (Though right about know I would love to know what goes on in Heller's mind)._

_Summary: Things should have been better for Jane post Red John but instead he took a giant leap backwards. What happened to get the consultant stuck on such a hopeless loop and what will it take to knock him off of it?_

_Rating: T_

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Where I Belong

The tree to the left-hand side of the park trail was just out of sight to any passerby though the sun had nearly set. No one in their right mind would venture up the long path that overlooked the city at this time in the evening. The bent trunk of the tree reflected the last rays of sunlight as the bright orb dipped below the distant buildings. The sparse leaves on the tree's few gnarly branches glowed a faint orange stretching desperately towards the fading light.

Patrick Jane sat at the base of the tree, watching as the scene below transformed from day to night, the city eventually winning its struggle for dominance. There was a slight breeze from the west. It was a nice change from the stifling dry winds that typically blew in from the south at this time of year.

Jane closed his eyes, concentrating on the distant sounds of traffic. He shouldn't have come up here tonight. He was nearly out of cash save for the few quarters jangling in his pocket from the last time he had done laundry. If he wanted to eat tomorrow, he would have to come up with some money in the morning, not that he would have a hard time finding any. Ok, so maybe that wasn't entirely true considering his last attempt.

A mere three hours prior, he had been doing considerably well for himself after challenging a few guys at a nearby dive to a game of poker. His mistake hadn't been in his game play but in challenging semi-inebriated locals. Unfortunately, Jane failed to consider the fact that some men are sore losers and alcohol only tended to make those particular types even angrier. He had been quite ready to back away. After all, he had acquired a fairly sizeable pot in the small amount of time. He would have made it out the door too since grumpy was fairly slow on his feet if it wasn't for the guy's buddies getting involved. Grumpy and his three goons quickly assessed that Jane didn't have a fighting bone in his body and he was quickly thrown out of the bar. He landed on his hands and knees, cutting his right palm on a piece of glass and scuffing his already dirty pants. His left shirt sleeve was ripped where the men had tugged at his arm. If only they had asked nicely for him to leave.

With no money and little other options, Jane had returned to the park. He stopped at the taco truck at the park's entrance and asked for a couple of napkins for the hand. He almost wished he had avoided the truck as the smells wafting from the vehicle made his stomach growl hungrily. It took about a half an hour to walk the path through the wooded area and up the hill to one of the many overlooks in the area. He found his usual spot against the old tree and slid down it.

Looking down at his hand now in the faint glow from the city, Jane peeled the napkin off. The hand throbbed but at least the cut was no longer bleeding. By now, Jane could make out a few stars in the ever darkening sky. It was one of the reasons he came up here so often. Here, just outside the city limits, the stars were clearly visible at night. Sometimes, he would catch a shooting star as it briefly darted across the sky before fading out somewhere in the atmosphere. Occasionally a rainstorm would hover over the ocean, barely within sight. Bolts of lightning would illuminate the distant clouds like far off camera flashes. Closer, about halfway between the shoreline and where Jane sat, he could faintly make out the red brick and familiar balcony of the CBI building. He wouldn't have even known it was there if Lisbon hadn't pointed it out when she had shown him this spot.

That was the other reason Jane chose to come here so often. This was Lisbon's trail, the one he knew she ran in the afternoons or early evenings whenever she got home in enough time though never at night because it was too dangerous. He left early every morning assuring that they would never cross paths.

A flash crossed overhead. Jane caught the last moments of the shooting star before it disappeared behind him. He sometimes wondered what it would be like to be a shooting star, to be pulled to the earth by the force of gravity. It would only take a few steps. A few feet and gravity would take over, his light would flicker out like a flame in a strong breeze.

Jane was pulled from his thoughts by a sound to his left. He squinted into the darkness but couldn't see anything. Finally, he caught a flash of white, low to the ground. His mind swarmed with what it could be. His first thought was coyote because he knew the animals frequented the park. That, and he often heard their howls in the distance at night but he didn't think there were white coyotes.

The animal stepped out of the shadows and Jane could clearly see that it wasn't a coyote but he had been close. The dog, a white pit bull mix of some kind stayed pretty close to the trail. At first glance, he could tell the dog was female and that she had given birth to a litter of puppies at some point. The dog was nearly emaciated and he silently hoped she wasn't still nursing pups since she looked like she could barely sustain her own health. Jane shifted and the dog looked up, straight at Jane. The hairs on the back of the dog's neck stuck up. Her tail shot between her legs and she began to growl softly.

Jane made no further movements and after a couple of tense moments, the stare-down ended and the dog slipped back into the shadows. He sighed in relief, heart still pounding in his chest as he leaned back against the trunk of the tree. Eventually the dull thrum of noises from the city below calmed him enough to slip into a light doze under the starlight.

TBC

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_What do you think is going on? Why is Jane sleeping in the park? You'll have to wait to find out. (Hey, it can't be any worse than waiting for 6x02 :P )_


	2. Nicole

_A/N Happy TM Sunday! Here's a nice long chapter to distract you for even just a little while ;o)_

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Chapter 2: Nicole

The next morning, Jane stuck his remaining two quarters into the dryer at the Laundromat and listened to the hum as his now clean, yet damaged outfit began to tumble dry. He had pulled another suit from the trunk of his car and had changed in a public restroom. A year ago, Jane would bought a new suit before daring to throw a dirty on in a washing machine. His dry-clean only wardrobe wouldn't last long with this kind of regiment but none of that mattered to Jane, not anymore anyway.

_"I need you to leave and if an ounce of you ever really cared for me you will listen for once in your life and stay away."_

Jane twisted the metal band on his ring finger absent-mindedly. He always assumed that if he survived the final encounter with Red John, he would be in prison for life. If things worked out in the serial killer's favor, he wouldn't be the wiser so it hadn't really mattered. Instead, he was here, stuck in some twisted wash cycle. The fibers of his precious suit weren't the only things coming apart at the seams.

Jane's pockets were officially empty save for his keys and wallet when he emerged from the Laundromat with his clean clothes folded back into the paper bag he had carried them in with. He desperately needed to replenish his finances and there was only one place he knew to do so at such an early hour.

Jane sat in the rickety plastic chair across from the elderly man. He had met Harry Rodriguez in the park a few weeks ago. He had watched from a distance as the old man was easily defeated twice at a game of chess. Jane had learned that a group of folks in the neighborhood played every Saturday morning. Today, Jane found Harry sitting on the front porch of his small apartment. Harry lived alone except for an old overweight cat that they had to chase off the small card table before they could set up the chess board.

"I can afford an hour." The elderly man said as he set up the pieces on his side of the board.

Jane simply nodded. When Jane had showed Harry how to win that first chess game in the park in merely, three short moves, the man insisted Jane teach him his secrets. He offered to pay Jane, twenty dollars an hour. It wasn't much but Jane was desperate and he was pretty good at stretching every penny these days. Jane turned to cough into his uninjured hand. His throat was dry from sleeping outside. He really needed a cup of tea.

An hour later, Jane slipped the two ten dollar bills into his jacket pocket and headed down Vine St, away from the park and Harry's neighborhood. He stopped inside a diner five blocks away. He ordered eggs and a tea. The place was small and it wasn't the best looking establishment Jane had ever visited but the owner was a kind man and the cook knew how to make a good plate of eggs. The bill came to three dollars and fifty cents. Jane handed the owner behind the counter one of the ten dollar bills and asked for a five back.

Strolling back out into the street he headed west on 14th and then took a right on Stockton. If he hustled, he could make the clinic an hour before visiting hours were over. Crestwood Behavioral Center was a mental health facility for both the less severe cases and those who didn't show outward signs aggression. He strolled through the double doors of the lobby at fifty eight minutes past noon. The receptionist smiled up at him.

"She's in the library this afternoon Mr. Jane. You know the drill."

Jane was familiar with the procedure. He filled out the log in sheet and then was handed a visitor's ID in exchange for his license. He walked over to the locked door to the left of the reception desk and waited until he heard the soft click of the door unlatching before pushing through. The facility wasn't overly large in size with one main long hallway and several wards branching off the main artery. The cafeteria and recreational rooms were at the end of the main corridor while the library was halfway down on the left.

Nicole sat at a far table near one of the large windows. Jane headed in that direction but didn't sit down next to hear like he usually did. Instead, he took a seat at a nearby table. Despite the cup of tea, his throat was sorer than it had been earlier. He feared he was coming down with a cold and didn't want to pass it on to the girl. Like most days, the young woman had a coloring book open in front of her and though she was coloring within the lines, per usual she only used a single color: red. It had been six months and little had changed. If Nicole wasn't sleeping she was coloring, always with red. it was a strange sight watching the young woman hunched over her endless project for hours on end. For the first few weeks, months even, Jane had tried to figure out the trigger to snap her out of this frantic habit. He tried everything from verbal cues to hypnosis. Nicole never once stopped with the coloring unless she exhausted herself, not even to look up for a single moment. When she ate or drank, it was a sad multitasking affair, eating food or beverage with her recessive hand while the dominant one focused on shading every object in the book a red hue. Whatever the monster had done to here, Jane realized eventually that there was noting he could do to reverse it. Even from the grave it seemed Red John was still more powerful than he.

Jane had known there was something wrong with the girl the moment he had set eyes on her.

_It had taken weeks but the list had finally been narrowed down to a single member. Countless lives had been lost in the short amount of time since Jane had amounted the seven suspects. Red John essentially went on a warpath, killing anyone that Jane had a positive association with. The serial killer even helped Jane in a twisted way, knocking a few of his own names off the list at random. With a single target, Lisbon's GPS gizmo had finally come in handy. _

_As he pulled into the dark driveway, Jane knew that his partner must be close on his heels. The entire team minus their leader had seen him fly out of the building. He should have been more careful about that but there wasn't time. He had to finish this, now. Jane felt the hard edge of the closed switchblade inside of his jacket pocket as he silently shut the car door until it almost latched but not quite as to not make any noise._

_The house itself was dark but Jane could make out a faint light from somewhere deep inside. He would have picked his way inside the front door but he didn't need to. It wasn't locked. He slipped inside silently, peering through the faintly illuminated space. He standing in the living room and the light was coming from a room down the hall. He crept forward slowly, aware of the bare walls as a sense of déjà vu crept over him. He grasped the knife and opened it just before reaching the door at the end of the hall. There was no note on this door but the feeling of foreboding dread was the same. _

_Jane inhaled sharply at the view that unfolded as he slowly pushed on door. Fist he saw the spotlight and the bare bed beneath but there was no blood and no smiley. It only took one step into the room for all of the hairs on Jane's skin to stand up and he knew. The beast was here, probably behind him. Jane turned and sure enough a figure was standing there in the shadows but he wasn't alone. In front of Red John stood a girl, a young woman really. The face was familiar to Jane but he couldn't immediately place her. It was the eyes that initially threw him off. The eyes from the girl in his memory palace were frightened eyes while these held no emotion whatsoever. The straggly strands of blonde hair clicked the memory into place._

_Nicole's friend had been murdered and she had been found nearly catatonic with the murder weapon still in her grasp. From the moment Jane had set eyes on the young woman, he had known she wasn't the killer they were looking for. She was only a traumatized, frightened girl who needed help remembering. He had taken a liking to her. She reminded him of his daughter or at least what he imagined his daughter would look like if she had grown up to be a young woman. Jane figured Red John had chosen her for that very reason. The snake's next words only confirmed it._

_"You remember Nicole don't you Patrick? Innocent witness to the brutal murder of her best friend." Red John stood behind the unmoving woman, out of reach._

_"You're a coward." Jane spat, unable to control his tongue with the red hot rage flowing through his veins. "You hide behind helpless victims so you don't have to face me like a man. Pathetic."_

_Red John brought his own curved blade around Nicole's front and close to her neck. "You only think you know the reasons behind my actions Patrick, able to read everyone else's mind but yours truly. The fact is, I brought Nicole here to show you that I can defeat you without even lifting a finger. I will make you lie down and take it like a dog." _

_Jane saw teeth at the evil man sneered from behind his captive._

_"I'm going to give you a choice Patrick because I'm a generous man after all. It's not unlike the very first choice mankind ever made. Good or evil? Life or death? Selfishness or sacrifice?" Red John took a step towards Jane. Nicole didn't protest. She merely moved with her captor, like a partner in a slow waltz._

_Jane mirrored their movements and stepped backwards._

_"The choice is all yours."_

_Jane was utterly surprised when Red John's blade fell from his grasp and clattered on the wooden floor._

_"You can either come after me, in which our good friend Nicole here will most likely get injured if not killed in the struggle or you can drop your knife and lie down on the bed there. The second you're unarmed on that mattress, Nicole is free to go through that door." He indicated the door Jane had come through._

_"You lie." Jane countered, not sounding as confident. He was prepared to sacrifice his own life; he'd always been but he wasn't sure if he could witness the death of an innocent girl._

_"I've already taken an act of good faith." He said indicating the knife on the floor. "It's your turn."_

_Jane didn't drop his knife but he did move backwards, sitting against the edge of the bed._

_"I've prepared the scene for someone tonight. Drop the weapon or you'll get a first-hand experience of the master at work."_

_There was no way Jane's blade could find its mark with Nicole still pinned to the monster. If only he could get Red John to turn around._

_"My knife may be on the floor but I can still kill her in an instant. She won't fight me Patrick. What's it going to be? Don't you see, either way I win. You're either too much of a coward to do the deed which I expect has been the case all along or you're merely a monster like me."_

_Jane's hand shook with indecision. This was never part of the plan. He briefly wondered if he was physically any match for the beast. Red John was a cowardly little man after all, hiding behind a woman. Still, Jane practically ran from every form of conflict. His idea of working out was taking his afternoon naps outside. Either way, he didn't really have much of a choice. At least this way, he would go down with a fight._

_Slowly, Jane lowered the knife to the floor._

_"Now let her go." The consultant demanded in a low voice._

_A low chuckle erupted from Red John and then everything happened so fast. The door flew wide as someone, presumably Lisbon barged into the room. There were two gunshots a shout from somewhere down the hall. _

_The first thing Jane remembered seeing was Nicole still standing in the middle of the room. She looked neither frightened nor affected in any way by the commotion. Secondly, Jane saw Red John sprawled out at Nicole's feet, a bullet wound in his head. Last, he saw the feet, or shoes rather, visible just inside the doorway. Those familiar practical heels were connected to a familiar unmoving figure. Jane hadn't even realized Red John was concealing a gun._

Jane was pulled from the memory by the sound of Margareta, an orderly at the facility wheeling in her cleaning cart. She briefly glanced at Jane and then Nicole before beginning her round of dusting the tables in the library. Jane coughed again, starting to feel the dull throb of a headache set in behind his eyes.

"Can I get you anything Senor Jane? Tea perhaps?" Margareta asked, pausing her task at the sound of Jane hacking away.

Once Jane was able to respond, he shook his head. "No thank you. I just had some."

"Then water perhaps?"

The orderly was nothing if persistent so Jane allowed the woman to fetch him a glass of water. He took a sip of the tepid water to show Margareta he was thankful but it went down as if he had swallowed a handful of knives. Jane tried to hide his reaction by looking at Nicole instead of in the orderly's direction.

Visiting hours were every day from eleven in the morning until two in the afternoon. Family were given extended hours. Usually, Jane just sat with Nicole for an hour or so. Sometimes, he put on some music. The rec room had a small cd player and Nicole had enjoyed music at one time. Other times, he would talk to her though she never gave any indication she was listening. Jane didn't have all that many people to talk to these days so it gave him someone to vent to. Nicole was the perfect listener, never butting into the conversation or arguing.

"I'm sorry Senor but I have to close the library soon. A nurse will be around to escort Senorita back soon."

Jane looked at his watch and sure enough, visiting hours were over. He stood and thanked Margareta again for the water before retreating back down the long hallway. He stopped briefly at the front desk to return his visitor badge and check out.

It was still early in the evening so Jane decided to walk the harbor to pass the time. Before joining the CBI, he often spent his nights here. Like his spot in the park, the noise from the boats and the waves was enough to allow him a few hours of sleep at night. Today though, Jane was simply content on walking and watching others go about their daily routines. He watched a couple climb into a small sailboat. The man carried a small cooler which Jane figured carried a late lunch or early dinner. He strolled down the pier he and Lisbon had followed Walter Mashburn down before he had peeled away on his fancy speedboat. Even after the motor had faded in the distance, they had stayed, momentarily enjoying the breeze and the setting sun.

_"You never cared about anything but yourself and your stupid revenge. A means to an end, that's all I ever was and all I'll ever be. Don't you get it? I nearly died and you're still thinking about number one. I can't and won't compete with that."_

It was a long walk back to the park so Jane figured he'd better get started. It wasn't like he had anything better to do. On the way, he argued with himself before stopping at his favorite bakery in town. It was mere blocks from the CBI yet he knew none of the team ever came here. The place was overpriced though the quality was heads above the other bakeries in town. He paid for his two items, more than he should be spending for a mere snack, and left with the paper bag in hand.

It was well past dark when Jane finally reached his familiar tree. Exhausted, he eased down against it. He pulled out his parcel and plucked out a strawberry danish. The pastry was light and flaky with just a hint of sweetness like Jane liked it. He closed his eyes savoring this one pleasure he allowed himself.

A heaviness in the air told Jane that rain wasn't far though a shower could be mere miles away and they wouldn't get a drop in Sacramento. Either way, the shiver that brought goose bumps to Jane's arms was an early indication that it would be a cold night. He only wished he had the worn throw from the back of his couch.

A noise to Jane's right and he was again staring down at the starving dog he had seen the previous evening. He wondered where she went during the day. She sure did know how to sneak up on him. The dog kept a watchful eye on Jane but she didn't growl this time. Jane slowly fished inside his pocket for the paper bag, being careful not to make any sudden movements. He had no real reason for buying the muffin other than pure sentiment but he had paid the three dollars anyway. Jane peeled off a small chunk and tossed it near the dog. She sniffed it and apparently liked what she smelled because it disappeared a moment later. The next piece landed a little closer to Jane so the dog had to take a few timid steps in his direction before being rewarded with a morsel.

The exercise continued until Jane had fed half of the muffin to the dog. Now, she was standing mere inches from Jane's right leg. Taking a bigger chunk Jane placed it in the palm of his hand. He remained stalk still as the dog stared at the hand and more importantly, the food. She contemplated only a few moments before hunger apparently won over and snatched the muffin from Jane's hand. With the next piece, Jane hesitantly tried stroking the dog behind the ears as she ate. He was aware that touching an unpredictable dog while it was eating wasn't the best idea but he made sure she could see what he was doing at all times, being careful not to startle the her.

She didn't lunge or even growl as she consumed the last crumbs of muffin. Jane continued to pat her behind the ears. Either she was too hungry to worry about the attention or she was actually enjoying it.

"See pretty girl, I'm not so bad hmm?" Jane talked to her though like Nicole, the dog wouldn't be talking back. "Once you realized I was giving instead of trying to take from you, we became friends or at least we're not enemies anymore."

The words echoed in the silence and it was if everything had become clear for the first time. For ten years at the CBI all he did was take. He took from the team and more specifically, he took from Lisbon. For some strange reason he couldn't exactly recall when but he swore Cho had said nearly those exact words to him. He had called Jane out on his intentions, saying he never really cared for the team but only stuck around as long as they were useful to him and brought him closer to his goal, his revenge. Though Jane would like to think that those words weren't entirely true, he couldn't recall a single instance where he had acted on the contrary, putting others needs before his own or expecting something in return.

No wonder Lisbon wanted nothing to do with him. She had been correct in that hospital room. He continually hurt her without a second thought and when she had pushed him away he had simply ran. In contrast, he had tried pushing her way numerous times. He even went as far as sleeping with the enemy, literally, and still she pushed back, never giving up on him. He hadn't even fought for their friendship for five minutes. He had simply turned tail like a coward dog and limped off to lick his wounds. What was even more pathetic was it had taken him six months to realize it. He apparently had a thing with six month time intervals. His last six-month period of brilliance had ended in a botched plan to draw out Red John and nearly cost him his only friend. This time, he had lost her and he wasn't sure if there was any possibility of getting her back this time.

TBC


	3. It's a Bitter World and I'd Rather Dream

Chapter 3  
It's a Bitter World & I'd Rather Dream

After a fitful night of sleep, Jane awoke to find the dog had disappeared again. He stood, shaking off the chill that had seeped into his bones as he decided on how to go about his next plan of action because it was clear, he needed a plan. From this moment on, things were going to be different. Even if Lisbon refused to talk to him, his life would no longer be about getting what he wanted. It was time he started thinking about the needs of others and not merely as an attempt at relieving his own guilt.

The plan began to take shape in Jane's mind as he strolled down the trail. His first stop was to his car, parked in a nearby lot for the time being. He pulled out the bag with his clean clothes and went off in search of a place to change. He decided to stop at the diner. He skipped the eggs but ordered tea so that he would be alert when he needed to be. Then he used the restroom to change his clothes. He also pulled a razor out of the bag and shaved off the week-old stubble he had developed. His last shower had been two days ago at the local Y. He could definitely use another one though the clean clothes would have to do for the time being. He brushed his teeth with a small travel brush he kept in his pocket. As a finishing touch, he ran a hand through his unruly hair after dampening it under the faucet.

He assessed himself in the mirror. It wasn't perfect but at least he didn't look completely pathetic anymore though he was sure Lisbon would see right through his efforts. Things like the dark circles under his eyes he couldn't fix. With a final pat down of his outfit, Jane left the restroom and the diner. He decided to take his car the few miles to Lisbon's townhouse as she should be home at this time on a Saturday and he had about half a tank of gas left. Besides, he hadn't run his car in nearly a week which couldn't be good for the old engine.

He pulled up outside Lisbon's around a quarter past eleven in the morning. He had been delayed a few minutes when he had spotted a man selling fresh flowers on the side of the road. The prices were high but Jane couldn't resist when he spotted the bucket filled with colorful blue/purple hydrangea blossoms. The salesman had been confused when Jane had asked for one of the plastic triton-shaped greeting holders but then said he didn't want an accompanying card.

The door of the Citroën closed with a click and Jane took a deep breath before strolling up the short walkway. He hid his parcel out of view and then knocked on the door. Sounds from inside indicated that Lisbon was home and as they drew nearer, Jane's heart rate increased in tandem. When the door finally opened, Jane found himself unable to speak for probably the first time in a decade. He had spend the entire morning rehearsing the words he would say to her and yet here she was and it was as if his mind forgot how to form words.

"Jane?" She asked, clearly surprised to see him.

"Lisbon." He managed; a big feat for his frozen tongue. "Can I come in?" It may have been the first time Jane had ever asked permission to enter her personal space. It was strange.

Lisbon hesitated. If it had been months ago, she would have opened the door in a second. She could still picture the look on Jane's face when she had told him to leave her in the hospital room but she had needed time to cool down and she never imagined he would have taken her seriously.

_She hadn't recalled much after bursting through the house Red John occupied, praying she had made it in time to keep her consultant from doing anything rash. The first thing she remembered was becoming conscious inside of the hospital. She could tell it was a hospital because to the smells and sounds in the room and while she couldn't open her eyes, Lisbon could distinctly hear voices. It took her a few moments to hear what was being said. She heard Rigsby's voice first._

_"How is she doing?" _

_Lisbon assumed they were discussing her condition. _

_"She'll be okay." Van Pelt replied._

_Then Jane added, "That's not necessarily a good thing."_

_Lisbon wished she could open her eyes and ask why it wasn't a good thing that she'd recover. Did she somehow loose her ability to walk? Was she in a coma? She didn't think so since she was conscious of the conversation going on in her room._

_Thankfully Grace came to her defense. "That's not a nice thing to say Jane."_

_Faithful Grace. She'd have to put in for a raise for the agent if, no when she woke up, Lisbon thought._

_"It's true." Lisbon could almost picture Jane shrugging his answer._

_"You blame her." Cho said a-matter-of factly._

_"If she hadn't been there, I would have my revenge."_

_"You had no weapon and Red John was holding a hostage. What were you going to do, hypnotize the man to death?" _

_Yeah! Lisbon agreed with Rigsby._

_"I would have thought of something."_

_Lisbon willed herself to wake up so she could punch Jane herself._

_"What are you going to do now?" Asked Cho._

_"I'm not sure though I have bigger concerns at the moment."_

_Lisbon couldn't stand to hear anymore, she willed her mind away from the conversation and thankfully she fell back into blissful unconsciousness. _

He had hurt her and she had chased him away. When Jane stayed away for days and then weeks, she started getting worried and began searching for him. She tried his cell which turned out to be no longer in service. She drove to his extended stay motel. The landlord told her he had paid the previous month's rent and then moved out. Lisbon had no idea where he could have gone. Even a search at his Malibu residence turned up empty. Jane had simply vanished.

So, if she had shown up then, she would have gladly let him in. Now, Lisbon hesitated. It had been six months after all. She was just starting to get her life back in order and his appearance would throw a wrench in that plan. She never got to choose as a voice called her from inside the house.

"Teresa, who's at the door?"

From behind Lisbon, Jane watched a man of average height with dark hair appear. He stopped just behind her shoulder and pushed the door open wider.

Lisbon looked from Jane to the man, unsure of how to make the introductions. Jane made the first move.

"Hello, I'm…"

The man cut Jane off before he could finish. "I know who you are. What I don't understand is why you've decided to show your face here. Don't you think you've done enough damage already?"

"It's ok." Lisbon tried to calm the situation.

"It's not ok. This man treated you like dirt for the better part of ten years. He nearly gets you killed and then disappears only to show up on your doorstep six months later."

"Please." Lisbon tried again.

"No Teresa." The man was visibly enraged now and Jane took a step backwards. "I think Mr. Jane should leave now. He's destroyed enough lives don't you think."

Lisbon had had enough. She pushed the man forcefully back inside and then gestured to Jane to wait a moment and closed the door. The last image she saw before the wooden frame latched was Jane's face nearly identical to when she had told him to leave her in the hospital.

"You need to calm down James. You're upsetting him."

James pointed at his chest. "I'm upsetting HIM? Teresa, I didn't fly all the way out here to help you get over that man so he could waltz back in here and trample you all over again."

"Like it or not, I think that's my decision to make." Lisbon said with more force.

"I'm sorry sis but your track record when it comes to making decisions about men isn't the cleanest."

She crossed her arms. "Mistakes or not, they're still mine to make."

James sighed. "Whatever he wants it can't be good." He was a bit calmer though the point was still clear.

"I don't know what he wants because you went after him like a rottweiler."

James was going to respond that it was his job when they both heard a car engine start up. Lisbon ran back to the door and flung it open but by the time she had made it to the stairs, Jane's car was already disappearing down the road. She called after it anyway but the Citroën kept going. When it was clear, her efforts were in vain, Lisbon turned back to the house only to notice the bouquet sitting on the wooden chair beside the door. She picked up the large bundle and smelled the blossoms. Upon closer inspection, she noticed something else among the flowers. A large lump instantly formed in her throat when she realized what it was. Tucked amongst the green leaves, clasped by the plastic card holder was a napkin folded intricately in the shape of a frog.

TBC

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_A/N Was going to give you more but this seemed like a good (if not a bit evil) place to stop. Maybe I'll be nice and post again soon. :P_


	4. Truth

Chapter 4  
_Truth_

Lisbon walked in a daze back inside the house and into the kitchen. As she pulled a large vase out of her top cabinet, she didn't notice her brother observing her from the doorway.

"I'm sorry."

Lisbon didn't immediately respond as she filled the vase halfway with water and set the flowers inside. "He looked worse than when he joined the CBI." She finally said, still not turning to face her brother.

"The guy that murdered his family is dead right? You'd think he'd be doing better."

"When I first met Jane, he looked like he had been living out on the streets. His clothes were rumpled and he was all drawn in on himself. He looked like that today only worse. The Jane from ten years ago had a goal in mind. I didn't know it at the time but he worked his way onto our team. Now, he just looks like a walking shell. I'm worried and I have no idea where he is."

James sighed. "You sure do pick the winners."

Lisbon threw a dishtowel at him, only half-serious and then she thought of an idea. She walked over to the phone on the wall and dialed a familiar number.

"Hello?" a male voice answered.

"Rigsby? It's Lisbon."

"Hey!" Rigsby enthused recognizing the voice on the other end. "I'm going to hand over the phone ok? I'm attempting to get Ben to eat his carrots."

Lisbon heard the hushed conversation as Rigsby handed over the phone.

"Boss?"

"You moved what, four months ago Grace? I think you can stop calling me boss."

"Right, sorry Lisbon, old habits and all."

"I was calling to ask if you two have heard from Jane recently." She got right to the point.

"We get an occasional letter but we haven't spoken to Jane since we moved out here, right Wayne?" He agreed. "Though the letters are postmarked Sacramento so I assumed he stayed around the area."

Lisbon briefly explained how he had shown up on her doorstep and just as quickly took off again after some harsh words from her younger brother.

"I don't mean to pry and maybe I should have asked this a long time ago but what happened to the two of you? According to Jane you asked him to leave and he was respecting those wishes."

Lisbon briefly filled Van Pelt in about what she had overheard when she was in the hospital. She concluded with the brief conversation that had quickly led to an argument when she had finally awoken in the hospital.

_She had opened her eyes to a quiet room. The voices of her team had faded with the morning. Jane was the only one left in her room and he was standing over by the window, looking down at the street below. He must have noticed her move because he was quickly at her bedside._

_"Lisbon." He whispered, taking her hand. _

_"Hey. What happened?"_

_Jane's face turned serious. "Red John shot you. I didn't even know he had a gun until he was dead and you were bleeding out on the floor. What were you thinking?"_

_At the question, the earlier overheard conversation came flying back to Lisbon. As a reflex, she pulled her hand from Jane's grasp. "I was trying to keep you from getting killed you idiot."_

_"I thought I had made it clear, Red John was mine." _

_Lisbon's head started to hurt. She wasn't ready to have this argument._

_"What were you going to do and were you going to allow an innocent girl to get killed in the process?"_

_"I don't know. I would have figured something out if you hadn't…."_

_"Stop, just stop." Lisbon held up her hand to halt the conversation. "I can't do this anymore Jane. You never cared about anything but yourself and your stupid revenge. A means to an end, that's all I ever was and all I'll ever be. Don't you get it? I nearly died and you're still thinking about number one. I can't and won't compete with that."_

_He opened his mouth to protest but Lisbon cut him off again._

_"I'm not finished. I need you to leave and I mean it. If an ounce of you ever really cared for me you will listen for once in your life and stay away."_

_Jane closed his mouth and stared Lisbon in the eyes as if trying to read the sincerity in the statement. He must have come to a conclusion because he didn't argue. He just stared at her with those sad, defeated eyes of his and nodded once before retreating out of the room._

There was silence on the other end of the line as Lisbon finished her retelling of the story. It was the first time she had told that particular part to anyone and it hurt to relive it. She heard Grace sigh on the other end.

"I wish I had asked sooner."

Almost afraid to ask, Lisbon said "And why is that?"

Instead of answering the question Van Pelt replied, "I don't know where Jane is but I have an Idea where you can look."

Lisbon noticed the change in subject but didn't push it after being thrown a lifeline on where she could begin her search. "Where?"

"Try Crestwood Behavioral Center and ask about Nicole Gilbert."

"Nicole Gilbert? What does she have to do with Jane?"

"You remember that Red John was holding her hostage when Jane found them in that house right?"

"Yes but I still don't see…"

"Just trust me." Van Pelt cut in. "Before we moved, Jane mentioned he was visiting her. Now, I don't know if he still goes there regularly, but you may learn a few things there even if you don't find Jane."

Lisbon sighed. "I wish you wouldn't be so cryptic but I'll go. It's in Sacramento I assume?"

"Yes, downtown. You can't miss it."

Lisbon thanked Grace and hung up the phone. James didn't ask about the phone call until Lisbon started putting on her jacket.

"You're not going to go after him are you?"

"Despite our history James, he was still my friend. I need to find out what he wanted along with answers to a few more questions I still have."

"I won't stop you sis but don't expect me to support this."

"I never expected a thing from you James" She paused at the door, keys in hand. "I know you're only trying to help but I need to do this."

He nodded. "I think I'll look into flights in the morning." James wasn't intentionally being harsh but It was clear he wasn't needed in Sacramento any longer.

It was mid-afternoon by the time Lisbon pulled into the lot at Crestwood. She parked and walked inside what she assumed were the front doors. A middle aged woman looked up as she entered and smiled politely.

"Can I help you ma'am?"

"Yes. I'm here inquiring about a patient of yours, Nicole Gilbert."

"I'm sorry but visiting hours ended a couple of hours ago. Are you family?"

"No, I'm with the CBI." Lisbon held out her badge for the woman to see.

The receptionist's eyes widened in recognition. "You're on the team that finally tracked down that srial killer, Red John was it? I saw you on the television." She paused and then became even more excited. "Wait, you must work with Mr. Jane then right? Wasn't he involved in that case as well."

"Yes, Jane was on my team when Red John was taken down. I understand Nicole Gilbert was brought here afterwards?" Lisbon tried to shift the conversation back on track.

"Yes, poor thing. I don't know what that monster did to her but I'm sure glad he got what was coming to him. I think it breaks your friend's heart to see her in the same condition after so long."

"Jane visits often?"

"Oh yes, at least a few times a week. He was in just yesterday as a matter of fact."

"But he didn't come today?"

"No, he doesn't come everyday. I don't blame him. Any other person would have given up on that girl a long time ago. Plus, he seemed to be under the weather yesterday, I mean more than usual. He always seems sad but yesterday it was more of an oncoming cold or something." She paused as if saying too much.

Lisbon took in the information and then asked, "What exactly is Nicole's condition?" She had been in the hospital for two weeks and hadn't heard what happened to the girl.

"I wouldn't normally allow this after hours but since you're with the CBI and also Mr. Jane's friend, I think you should really see Nicole for yourself. I'll call her physician to take you to her. He can answer any additional questions you may have."

Dr. Mullins unlocked the door to Nicole's room with Lisbon behind him. They both entered to find Nicole sitting on her bed, papers spread out on top of it.

"When she was first administered to the hospital, she showed no signs of injury other than basic shock. She didn't speak and seemed relatively calm considering her ordeal. We don't even know the extent of what she went through or how long she had been in the hands of Red John. We had hoped that when she had recovered from the initial shock, we would be able to get some of those answers directly from her. Then out of nowhere, she started screaming. We thought she was in pain, that we had missed some internal injury or something but we couldn't find the cause of her distress."

The doctor opened a file and started leafing through the pages. Lisbon glanced from him to the girl on the bed, doodling with a red crayon.

"The ER nurse had given Nicole fluids, not knowing what else to do and then called Health Services for a consult on her mental state. Apparently the nurse left the screaming Nicole alone while she went to attend to another patient. When the associate from Health Services arrived they found that Nicole had taken her IV out. She was drawing this on her pillowcase."

He showed Lisbon the smiley face clearly etched in Nicole's own blood on the pillow. It shouldn't have been a surprise but then again Lisbon hoped she would never see another one of those again.

"I'm sorry. It's a bit disturbing."

"It's alright doctor. I've had my fill of those."

"Anyway, to the caseworker's surprise and utter horror Nicole had drawn that on the pillow but even more surprising, the screaming had stopped only to start right up again as soon as doctors tried to bandage the bleeding arm. They eventually had to sedate Ms. Gilbert."

"Does she still draw smiley faces?" Lisbon asked curiously.

"No, thankfully. It took us a while to figure out Nicole's new fetish for red artwork. Now, she simply colors and doodles with a red crayon or marker non-stop. It's a mystery really. Typically hypnosis only lasts for a temporary amount of time, especially with the hypnotist no longer in the picture."

"So you're thinking Nicole was hypnotized?"

"It's the only explanation we can come up with though Red John must have used some additional unknown methods to cause this much damage."

Lisbon nodded. It wasn't the first time Red John had done irreparable damage to a woman's mind. As far as she knew, Kristina Frye was still in a facility just like this one only Kristina was convinced she was dead.

"So there's been no progress in six months?"

The doctor sighed. "Nicole's case is one of the most difficult and unusual cases I've ever had." He looked over at Nicole, clearly upset with their lack of progress. "That's no way to live."

"What?"

"I'm sorry, I just…"

But Lisbon didn't hear the rest of the doctor's explanation.

_"She'll be okay." _

_ "That's not necessarily a good thing?"_

_ "That's not a nice thing to say Jane."_

_ "It's true." _

_"You blame her." _

_"If she hadn't been there, I would have my revenge."_

_"I have more important things to worry about at the moment."_

It couldn't be. Lisbon's could feel her heart begin to race within her chest.

TBC


	5. Run, Run, Till You Can't Run Far Enough

Chapter 5  
_Run, Run, Till You Can't Run Far Enough_

"Are you alright?" The doctor was staring at Lisbon with concern.

She tried to calm her breathing. No need to freak out in front of the stranger. "Yes. I'm fine. Think I just need some fresh air. All these hospital smells. Thank you very much for your time, if you'll excuse me."

She left Nicole's room in a hurry and tried to remember how to get out of the building. Somehow making it to the main corridor, Lisbon turned left. Arriving at the front lobby, she hastily signed out and turned in the visitor's badge she had been given. She also handed the woman a card with her CBI number on it asking for them to inform her if Jane came in .

Before making it out the main doors, the receptionist said, "Give Mr. Jane our best. Let him know we hope he's feeling better."

Lisbon made it as far as the parking lot before she had to stop. She placed both hands on her knees and tried to make the stars exploding behind her eyelids go away. Fumbling for her keys, Lisbon eventually made it inside her car and then pulled out her cell. Grace picked up on the second ring.

"Boss….sorry Lisbon." She corrected.

"He was never talking about me."

"You found Nicole I assume." Van Pelt could only imagine what was going through Lisbon's head.

"Grace what have I done?"

"You were shot and half-unconscious in the hospital. It was a misunderstanding."

"Yes but I sent him away. You didn't see his eyes before he left. The last time I had seen that look on Jane's face was when the Belladonna wore off and the hallucination of his daughter went away."

"Like I said, I wish you had come to me sooner. I just figured whatever went on between the two of you was none of my business. For the record, we entered the house just as the shots were fired. Both you and Red John were down. Jane didn't even ask about the monster once he was on the floor. His concern was elsewhere. Lisbon, he didn't leave your side until you woke up in that hospital room. We tried to get him to take a break but you know Jane."

"Not helping Grace."

"I know but you needed to know the whole story. At least we know Jane is still visiting the clinic right?"

"Yes and I left instruction for them to call the next time Jane visits Nicole."

"So it's only a matter of time."

"You're right Grace. I've gone six months without the likes of Jane. Another few days can't hurt."

"Everything will be alright."

Lisbon hoped her friend was right. "I hope so Grace. Thanks for the information."

"Anytime. Call me when you hear from Jane. It would be nice to hear from him."

Lisbon agreed to call as soon as she heard anything regardless of the outcome. She couldn't help but grin at the concern her old teammates were still showing for Jane. They had all been separated for far too long. She just hoped things would change soon.

* * *

Lisbon gave up on sleeping when the blaring red numbers on her alarm clock ticked past 4am. She hadn't slept more than a couple of hours. Firstly, she couldn't get the image of Jane's crushed gaze out of her mind. When she had finally drifted to sleep, she dreamt of all kinds of horrific scenarios: Her arriving too late in that room finding Jane's lifeless figure on the bare bed under yet another Red John smiley, Jane in the same frantic mental state as Nicole, doodling mindless images with his own blood, A sick Jane alone in some drabby motel room. Lisbon hadn't been able to sleep after waking from the nightmare marathon. It was the last one that finally got her out of bed, essentially giving up on sleep. Although an ill Jane may not have been the most gruesome of the nightmares, it had the highest probability of being true. She couldn't remember ever seeing Jane sick. The thought frightened her.

Walking into the Kitchen, Lisbon found the note from her brother saying he had found a redeye flight back to Chicago. He apologized for not saying goodbye but didn't want to wake her. She huffed. It wasn't like she had really been sleeping anyway.

The coffee pot in her kitchen signaled that the pot was ready. Lisbon poured herself a large mug and sat at the small table by the window. As the minutes passed, Lisbon could start to see faint light begin creeping over the horizon. By five, she could tell that the rain she had heard pattering on her roof had slowed to a mere drizzle. Despite the weather, she decided to go for a run. Typically she exercised in the afternoons because of work but it was Sunday and she had nothing better to do with her morning.

Donning a pair of sweats and a warn t-shirt, Lisbon grabbed her keys and left the townhouse. She made a left out of her complex down Clover St and started her normal route that took her west down side roads, into the park where she took the hill trail around and back. The trip was eight miles in total but she normally walked the last few back to her place to cool down.

The air was crisp from the rain. Lisbon was glad she had chosen go for a run. The fresh air and exercise cleared her mind to the point where all she was focused on was her surroundings. She made the hill inside the park just in time to see the sun rise over the distant Sacramento harbor. The sky was clear in the distance which told her the few drops of moisture still in the air would burn up as soon as the sun had fully arisen from its nightly slumber.

On her was down the hill, Lisbon paused at her favorite city overlook. She remembered the afternoon she had taken Jane here. It was around the time they had narrowed down the seven Red John suspects. She had been shaken from her personal encounter with the monster and he had spent too many hours in the attic. When she had told him she was going for a walk and asked if he wanted to join, he had surprisingly agreed. Lisbon wondered if Jane had come along simply out of fear that Red John would go after her again. He had been visibly shaken to find her marked by the monster which was a lot for someone who hid their emotions under a mask perfected over a decade.

Whatever the reason, the stroll had been a nice respite from the constant stress. They had stopped at an ice cream truck just inside the gates of the park and had taken their time. At the overlook, Lisbon had pointed out the CBI and her apartment from the high vantage point. He in turn had pointed out the spinning spokes of a ferris wheel, asking her if she thought the passengers on the ride were unknowingly looking their way, enjoying the view from the opposite direction.

How a few short weeks could change things. She always hoped that when Red John was dealt with, Jane would be free to do normal things like strolling through the park and eating ice cream without the constant weight of revenge on his shoulders.

Lisbon decided she had rested long enough and headed back down the trail. Gravity helped press her forward until she emerged from the trees on the far side of the park. There were few people strolling the grounds at the early hour. She spotted a woman walking a small dog closer to the entrance. An older gentleman read a newspaper on a nearby bench. Down a small set of stairs, the park had a fountain. It was shut off now, during California's colder months but she assumed it would resume its daily bubbling soon enough. At the moment, a vagrant slumbered on the far edge of the pool.

She froze. The person laying by the fountain was facing away from her but the grey pants and jacket caught her attention. Her eyes flew to the left at the brown clad feet and then right to the messy blond mop of hair.

TBC


	6. The Words You Want Are Out of Reach

_A/N Below, is a review response for an anonymous reader who had a bunch of questions about this story. I'll gladly answer any questions but from now on, I won't respond to questions unless they're in a signed review or a pm just because I don't like cluttering a story with review responses. **For the rest of you, please skip ahead to the next chapter and enjoy :o)**_

* * *

_ guest (Wanted to reply to your questions directly but you'd have to log in for me to do so). Anyway, the reason Lisbon was upset (in my mind) was because Jane had acted like he didn't care that Lisbon had been injured while trying to save him (again). After 10 years of Jane coming up with crazy plans and doing stupid things to put himself and others in danger, it wouldn't be any different than what he normally does, hence the anger didn't really come from the plan itself. It would be OOC for Lisbon to be so upset about something he did pretty much every other week._

_What put Lisbon over the edge was three things:_

_1) Jane saying "I have more important things to worry about"_

_2) Hinting that maybe it wasn't a good thing that Lisbon had survived. _

_3) Jane blaming Lisbon for the outcome - aka Red John's quick take down ("You blame her" Cho stated.)_

_*Now we know none of these things were directed at Lisbon._

_As for the conversation when Lisbon had woken up, the "what were you thinking" was why did she burst in the room, putting herself in danger when it was always his plan to take care of Red John on his own. This is not about Jane blaming Lisbon for the quick death/take down of a serial killer but for getting herself injured when he was trying to keep her out of it. (I intentionally made the conversation vague so it could be taken both ways). Maybe Jane would have explained himself or maybe he wouldn't have. Lisbon didn't feel like dealing with that conversation at the moment so he never got a chance._

_So, in summary, I don't think Lisbon would have been upset (at least not to the extent she was) simply for the conversation after she had woken up. Jane didn't do anything different than he said he would or has done in the past. The 'misunderstood conversation' was a lot more heartless and blameful if it had really been directed at Lisbon. Hope this helps._

* * *

Chapter 6  
_When The Words You Want Are Out of Reach But They've Never Been So Loud_

She jogged down the small staircase and around the fountain, kneeling next to the slumbering man. She gently shook one of his shoulders.

"Jane?" She whispered.

He let out a small whine but didn't awaken. Lisbon noted that Jane's clothing was drenched and chilled.

"Come on Jane." She tried a little louder.

"Mmm…" Jane's eyes became small slits. He stared off into the distance.

Lisbon scrunched her features, concerned with Jane's lack of response. "Hey. What are you doing out here Jane? You're soaked."

"Mm..tried to get to the car. Tired."

"So you took a nap on the side of a park fountain?" He wasn't making much sense.

"Where's Belladonna?"

Lisbon took in Jane's flushed features and then felt the skin by his cheek with the back of her hand. "I don't have any idea what you're talking about but you're burning up."

She dug out her cell and hit one of her speed dial numbers. It rang three times before it was picked up.

"Boss?"

"Sorry for calling you so early on a Sunday Cho but I need your help."

* * *

Two hours later Jane was slumbering on Lisbon's couch clad in some clothes that Cho had brought with him. The consultant was practically drowning in the t-shirt and pants but at least they were dry. Cho had driven a groggy Jane to Lisbon's while she managed to locate the Citroën in a lot near the park. It was now safe in the visitor's lot of her complex. Jane managed to change out of his soggy clothing and swallow a couple of aspirin before promptly collapsing on Lisbon's sofa.

"You don't think he should go to a hospital?" Cho asked. "He could have pneumonia."

Lisbon looked at the sleeping blonde. "He's not wheezing so I don't think it's pneumonia though if his fever gets too high, I'll have to take him." She moved her gaze across the room to Cho. "Why don't you head home. There's not much else to do here."

He nodded. "Call me if you need anything else."

She thanked her teammate and friend before walking him to the door. He told her he would call later.

When the door closed, Lisbon sighed and leaned against it. Now she had to decide what to do with her unexpected house guest. She started with collecting a couple of blankets from her linen closet down the hall. She had noticed Jane visibly shivering when he had fallen asleep on the couch. She draped one over Jane and left the other draped across the top of the couch. She would add the second blanket if he still seemed cold in a little while. Then when she could think of nothing else to do, Lisbon went to make herself another mug of coffee. Her cell rang as the coffee brewed.

"Hello?"

"It's Grace. Cho called and said you found Jane in the park?"

"Yeah. Sorry I didn't call you right away. Still trying to figure out what I'm going to do here."

"Don't worry about it." Van Pelt assured. "How is he?'

"I'm worried." Lisbon answered honestly. "He has a fever and hasn't managed to say much of anything. He's sleeping now."

"You don't think he should see a doctor?"

Lisbon was starting to second guess her decision to bring Jane straight to her place but the man hated hospitals so she would wait until it was absolutely necessary. "If he gets worse, I'll take him in. I'm hoping he just needs some rest."

"What was he doing in the park?"

"It's Jane so who knows. He spent the night in the pouring rain though and it sounds like he was already getting sick before that. For now, I'm just going to focus on getting him well. The questions will come later."

"That sounds like a good idea. Please, keep us informed on how he's doing and call if we can do anything."

"Will do and tell Rigsby hello for me."

* * *

Lisbon was sitting with her legs crossed in the armchair adjacent to the couch, what was left of her coffee cool in her grasp when Jane began to stir.

"M…you going to stare at me all afternoon? Trying to sleep here." He mumbled, eyes closed.

"How are you feeling?"

"Like I'm on one of those carnival rides where you lie down like you're hand-gliding. Is your couch moving Lisbon?"

"Yes Jane, it's like the robot vacuum only the couch travels around my living room. What do you think?" She calmed after a moment, realizing Jane was still disoriented. He may actually start believing that her couch was robotic if she wasn't careful. "The couch isn't moving, it's the fever."

Jane moved to sit up but before Lisbon could warn him that it wasn't such a good idea his nearly empty stomach gurgled.

On pure instinct having raised her brothers, Lisbon flung herself from the chair and snatched the wastebasket she had placed near the couch. Jane grabbed it in earnest as his body tried to rid itself of the sickness by emptying the stomach in painful heaves.

Lisbon looked on hopelessly. She was torn between standing her ground and trying to comfort the visibly ill man. Before she could decide, the heaves graciously stopped.

"Give me that." Lisbon said, indicating the trash bin. "I'll go wash this out and bring you some water. Be right back."

It took her five minutes to rinse out the bin in the bathroom and collect the glass of water. When she reentered the room, Jane was sitting up but had his head back against the couch cushion, eyes closed.

"Here's some water."

He opened his eyes and took the glass as she sat down on the couch next to him. She noted that he still looked exhausted.

"Thank you," he said raising the glass to his lips with a trembling hand.

"Are you cold?" Lisbon asked.

"Freezing."

"We should check your temperature again." Lisbon reached for the thermometer on the side table. The last time they had checked was right after they had entered her apartment. Thankfully Jane didn't protest when she handed him the thermometer. It beeped thirty seconds later.

"102.3. I'm going to give you Ibuprofen this time as I don't know how much aspirin had already been absorbed into your system before you were sick." She handed him two tablets which he downed with a swig of water. "You should probably get some more rest."

He nodded, grabbing the blanket that had fallen away when he had sat up. He looked around as if in a dilemma. Before Lisbon realized he was trying to figure out how to lie back down with her sitting there, he eased down in the opposite direction with his head on her lap and feet curled up at the far end of the couch. She froze unsure of what to do but decided she wasn't going anywhere anyway. Uncertain of where to put her hands, Lisbon rested one arm on the couch armrest and the other on the back of the couch as her weary consultant made himself comfortable.

Lisbon noticed Jane shudder so she plucked the second blanket off the back of the couch and draped it across his curled up form. It took another minute for Lisbon to realize the shakes were more than just a chill. The first sob tore through her heart and her mind panicked not knowing how to handle this particular situation. Emotions in general freaked her out. The sound instantly reminded her of the time she had unknowingly come across Grace sobbing in the elevator. Lisbon was never one to handle emotions very well. As Jane's sobs grew louder she forced herself to act, moving the hand that rested above the couch to the quaking shoulder. She drew small circles in the t-shirt fabric and hoped the effort would soothe Jane even a little. She didn't know what had brought on the overwhelming emotion. Maybe it was the fever. Maybe it was the first time Jane had really cried since Red John was out of the picture. All she knew for sure was that he was hurting and she didn't know what in tarnation to do about it.

Jane was horrified at the display of emotion, glad wasn't facing Lisbon when the torrent began. Once the tears had started, they had been impossible to stop. His weakness disappointed him especially because he didn't even know where the tidal wave had originated. He barely remembered deciding to snooze in Lisbon's lap and then was surprised by the instant comfort and warmth that flooded him after being out of human contact for such a long time. It had caused something to burst inside of him that he hadn't even known was there.

Lisbon didn't realize she had started mumbling nonsense words in hopes of calming Jane until the choking sobs started to slow. Eventually, they were mere periodic hitches and hiccups. Without realizing, her comforting hand had moved from Jane's shoulder to a spot just above his exposed ear as she gently brushed his temple by the hairline.

When the hitches and hiccups finally resolved into slow even breaths, Lisbon found enough courage to whisper coherent thoughts.

"Shh…" She said unknowing if Jane was asleep and then added, "You're safe."

TBC


	7. Rest your head on my heart, Endlessly

Chapter 7  
_Rest Your Head on My Heart Endlessly_

Lisbon awakened to the sun shining through the blinds in her living room as it began its slow descent. She assumed it was later in the afternoon by the orange light that filtered in and danced across the white walls. She also assumed Jane was still sleeping as he was completely still save for the slight rise and fall of his shoulder as he breathed. Sometime after she had dozed off, he had found her left arm and entwined his fingers within hers. Asleep, Jane's grasp was loose enough that Lisbon could have removed her hand had she wanted to. Instead, she simply reveled in the closeness for a few minutes.

Thinking of Jane's fever, Lisbon placed her right hand gently on his forehead. It was still a little warm though she thought it seemed as if his fever wasn't as high as It had been.

"That feels good. Don't stop." A sleepy voice said from her lap.

Lisbon shot her hand away as if burnt. As if sensing her discomfort, Jane laughed which turned into a hacking cough. He sat up, trying to get the coughing under control. Lisbon reached over to grab the water glass that was still half full.

"Here, drink some water."

Jane managed a few sips in between the hacking and eventually the fit subsided.

Lisbon stretched, her back cracking after being in the same position for so long. It felt good to finally be able to move. She hadn't realized how stiff she had become.

Jane had noticed. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to keep you hostage all night. You should have wakened me."

"It's okay. It seems as if we both needed some sleep." Jane was staring at her and it was beginning to get uncomfortable. "Would you like some tea?"

His eyes brightened and she knew the answer was yes even before he said he would love some. Boiling water for tea gave Lisbon a few precious moments to compose herself. She hadn't seen Jane in months and now he was camping out in her living room probably with the flu. They had spent the night on her couch, completely innocent of course, but still. The last time they had really talked had been an argument in the hospital. She still had questions but she figured those could wait until Jane was at least feeling better.

Her kettle whistled and she poured the water into the teacup which already had a quarter of an inch of milk in it. She let the tea steep for just the right amount of time. Ten years with a tea aficionado had taught her well. She reentered the living room with her hands full.

"I made you a couple of pieces of toast to go with the tea. If you can hold that down, I'll heat you some soup for dinner."

"Thank you Lisbon." He took the offered plate and then eyed the blue-green saucer in awe. "You kept it?"

"Both sets." Lisbon confirmed sitting back in the chair near the couch. "That one is here and the matching one is in my desk drawer at the office." She added sheepishly. "I uh, didn't want anyone to take them." She looked away embarrassed and when the silenced stretched out for nearly a minute, she turned back to find Jane's gaze again fixed on her only now he wasn't staring at her eyes but a bit lower. Lisbon had to think for a moment before her fingers brushed against the raised scar that was exposed on her neck.

"A few months ago we ah, arrested the wrong suspect on a case. Unfortunately for us, the real culprit was the man's older brother. Needless to say, he wasn't too happy about it. It wasn't much of a surprise when he turned up at the office asking about his brother. He pulled a knife before I realized what was going on. It was stupid of him to try something in the office. Cho took him down before he could do any real damage."

Jane continued to stare at the scar. Lisbon had no idea what was going on inside of his head.

"I'm so sorry Lisbon." He said in a soft tone she had never really heard from Jane except for when he was talking about his family.

"Don't you dare try to blame yourself. You were completely out of the picture. The fault was entirely mine. I shouldn't have let my guard down."

Jane shook his head. "That's the whole point. I should have been there but I've been too stupid and stubborn." He stared into his teacup before continuing. "I'm sorry it has taken so long. At first I thought keeping away from everyone was best. I can't cause damage to anyone if I keep away from them right? Clearly, I was wrong. You were hurt anyway. Something could have happened to you and I…" He paused, collecting his thoughts. "… I wouldn't have even known."

She hadn't planned on having this conversation now but the last time she had held off, Jane had disappeared for six months. "I never thought you would really disappear."

Jane shrugged. "You were right. I shouldn't have upset you in the hospital. Every time I open my mouth, it seems, I hurt someone else, you more often than most. I was so scared. They kept telling me you would wake up in time. One day became three, which became a week. When you finally opened those emerald eyes, all I could think was that I never wanted to go through that again. The easiest way to ensure that was to stay away or so I thought." He sighed, the admission had visibly exhausted him or maybe it was the flu.

Throwing caution to the wind, Lisbon moved back onto the couch, sticking to her end of the sofa. "I thought I heard some things in the hospital, while I was unconscious. It's a long story but I was misunderstood. I thought you didn't care anymore. For the first few years you were working with us, I was convinced we, the team, were merely a means to an end. My thoughts started to change as we grew closer. You became the best friend I ever had I dared hope that maybe it wasn't all for show. Maybe what we had was at least somewhat real but then what I heard screamed otherwise. It hurt and then when I woke up, I was convinced you blamed me for Red John and…"

He shushed her with a finger and grasped her hands, inching closer. He shook his head. "I never blamed you for Red John. It was over and that's all that mattered but then I was faced with the reality that I was finally free but I couldn't celebrate in that freedom with your life on the line. " With Lisbon close, Jane gently brushed his fingers across the scar on her neck. Then, without hesitation, he wrapped his arms around her waist and clung her to him. He rested his head on her chest, comforted by the steady thump of her heart.

Lisbon reciprocated the hug though not quite as desperately as Jane had. They stayed like that until the moment was broken by Lisbon's chuckle.

"What?" Jane asked into her chest as he reluctantly released his hold on the smaller woman.

"When is the last time you had a shower? There's enough leaves in your hair for a pigeon to construct a nest in there."

He scratched at his scalp and a couple of the leaf flakes fluttered to the floor, proving her point. "Guess I could probably use a shower. Do you mind?"

"Of course not. How are you feeling?"

He thought a moment, assessing. "My head's still pounding and I ache all over though I don't feel like I'm sitting inside a freezer anymore."

Lisbon nodded. "You still probably have a low-grade fever. How's the stomach?"

"Doesn't seem to be protesting at the moment though I confess I don't have much of an appetite."

"Why don't you grab a shower while I heat up some soup. You should try to eat something even if it's only a little. If you throw your clothes out, I'll start a load of laundry."

He nodded. "I have some clothes in the car."

"The bathroom is off the master bedroom. I can grab your clothes and leave them on the bed for you whenever you get out."

Jane nodded, silently wondering what he could have possibly done to deserve such kindness from the woman in front of him. He vowed to make it up to her once he was feeling better.

"My room is just down the hall."

"I know." He turned and headed in the direction of Lisbon's bedroom. Though curious, he didn't stop to browse the items inside of her room. Instead, he headed straight for the shower. He quickly rid himself of the oversized clothes from Cho and tossed them outside the door. He then turned the water on hot and stepped under the stream. It felt glorious after months of occasional lukewarm showers at the Y. Jane smiled to himself as he massaged his scalp with Lisbon's strawberry shampoo realizing he would smell like fresh fruit afterwards. He wanted to stay in the shower forever but figured standing under steaming hot water with a fever for long periods of time probably wasn't the best idea. With a sigh, he turned off the tap and then toweled himself off. He peeked inside Lisbon's room to make sure the coast was clear before stepping out. His clothes were waiting for him on the bed just as Lisbon had said they would be.

Jane decided to go with just the grey pants and the white shirt, no need for all the extras tonight. He was buttoning the shirt when he spotted the photo on the nightstand. He hadn't met to pry but it was just sitting there in plain sight. It was a photo of the entire team, him included on one of the rare occasions everyone had agreed to eat dinner together after work. Everyone looked genially happy though a couple of drinks could have helped them along but just the same. He missed them, not realizing how much until just now.

A knock on the door startled Jane.

"You decent?"

"Always." Jane replied cheekily.

Lisbon poked her head inside. "The soup is hot and I made grilled cheese."

"Kind of disappointed I missed you slaving away at the stove."

"Even I can heat up soup from a can and it's not like grilled cheese takes much culinary skill."

"You'd be surprised." He followed her into the kitchen and sat at the little round table.

Lisbon brought over two bowls of chicken noodle soup and plates with the grilled cheese sandwiches. He took a taste of soup with his spoon and closed his eyes as the warmth of it seeped into him.

"So…" Lisbon began. "How long have you been living out of your car?"

TBC

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_A/N LoL, maybe Jane should have thought about it before sending Lisbon to get his clothes from the car :P Couple more chapters to go._


	8. You Found Me

Chapter 8  
_You Found Me_

Jane's eyes shot up, the spoon halfway to his mouth.

"I saw all the clothes and boxes in your car not to mention your physical state. To put it bluntly, you're a mess."

The arm holding the spoon lowered back into the bowl, eyes falling with it. He shrugged.

"You don't know? Did you lose count?"

He shook his head.

"Jane, please talk to me. I want to help but I can't if you won't answer me." She talked gently, lowering her own spoon as she focused on the issues at hand.

He sighed. "I'm no danger to anyone if I stay away."

Lisbon swallowed a lump in her throat in understanding. "You kept yourself away from everyone? No human contact?"

"Of course I couldn't completely shut out the world. I still needed to eat which meant I had to find ways of making money. So I did talk to people, just as little as possible."

"Jane, your clothes are practically falling off of you. It scares me." She added honestly.

He looked at her now, unsure of how to respond. She must think him pathetic and weak but her eyes showed only genuine concern like the time she found him half-collapsed on the dirt pile in the desert or after he had crashed the car into the tree near Lorelei's cabin.

He sighed. "I'll admit it probably wasn't one of my brightest ideas and I know what you're thinking. I've had quite a few not so great ideas in the past. Though, out of all the stupid things I've done, my biggest mistake has always been hurting you. I keep doing it and I don't know how to stop it. I thought I did but…" He looked across the table again at the scar on her neck.

"You didn't do this. Sure, maybe things would have been different had you been around. Maybe you would have led us to the correct culprit or maybe you would have come up with some crazy scheme that would have still landed us all in even more danger." She stopped realizing though the statement was true, it probably wasn't exactly helping the situation. "The point is we can't play the 'what if's' game. Who knows what would have happened but we cannot dwell on the past. You can start by figuring out exactly what you want Jane. Have you thought at all about what that may be? Clearly it isn't wandering the streets as a Sacramento vagabond."

He paused, for a long moment, considering his response. He wanted to be completly honest with her for maybe the first time since they had met. "I wasn't sure, not for a long time but I think I may know now."

She waited patiently for him to continue, watching him intently as indescribable emotions flickered across his eyes.

"I…I want my family back."

Lisbon closed her eyes, hoping Jane wouldn't see her obvious disappointment. She feared he hadn't moved on much since Red John's demise but hoped he would be further along than this. When she eventually opened her eyes again she was surprised to see Jane looking at her with a goofy smirk, shaking his head.

Without a word, he sprung from his seat and disappeared down the hall. He was back at the table less than a minute later, handing her something.

"I know my wife and daughter are gone. That doesn't change what I want."

She looked down at the framed photo she kept on her nightstand. The one she often looked at because it reminded her of a time when they'd all been happy even if it was only for a short time. She blinked to keep moisture from collecting in her eyes as she comprehended Jane's meaning. He wanted them, her team, back in his life.

"I didn't really have many people left in my life as is and then Red John wiped away most of the remaining few connections I did have. At first I thought I would leave, run away and start over but I found that I couldn't. Even though I had convinced myself to keep a distance, leaving altogether felt like I was giving up the one thing Red John didn't manage to take from me. It didn't feel like much of a victory, still doesn't." He sighed. "I just hope it isn't too late."

Lisbon reached out accross the table and covered his hand. "It's not too late, not for me and not for the team though you remember Rigsby and Grace don't live in Sacramento anymore."

"I remember though they're only a few hours away. I'll be a good excuse to take a drive."

"Do you want to come back to work?"

"I haven't decided on that yet though I don't really know what other options are out there for me."

"You don't have to figure it all out today. You can however, finish your soup before it gets cold."

"Yes mom." He slowly sipped away at the soup. She hadn't given him a ton fearing another stomach upset so he was able to finish what was in his bowl.

"Just so you know, you're welcome on my couch as long as you want but when you're ready, I'd like to help you find someplace other than your car to live."

"I think I'll have to figure out what I'm going to do for work before I settle on a place to live but I appreciate it Lisbon."

She nodded. "Just promise me you won't disappear out onto the streets again."

Jane could tell the thought of him living on the streets had really shaken her up. "I can't think of why I would go back out there when you have such a fine piece of furniture here. Sure beats a tree trunk or a park bench."

"Also, I think you still have a couple checks you never retrieved from the office. You and I both know it won't be all that much but it should help you get started."

Jane heard the end of Lisbon's statement but had turned quickly in the other direction when he felt a sneeze coming on. It erupted out of him with volcanic force as he sneezed into his arm.

"Bless you. Maybe you should go relax for a while."

He yawned in response. "I can't believe how tired I am. I don't think I've ever slept this much in my life."

"Have you ever had the flu?"

"Probably when I was younger but I can't remember ever being this…" He was cut off by a second sneeze. "…sick"

"Wait for it…"

Sure enough the second eruption was soon followed by a third, though less intense one.

"Those things usually hit in threes." Lisbon explained. "Here." She handed over a box of tissues from the counter.

Jane blew his nose and took the whole box with him back into the living room. He stretched out on the couch with his arms interlocked behind his neck.

"I'm going to make a quick run to the store. The fridge is bare and I figure I need to start fattening you up."

"Like a turkey for Thanksgiving?" Jane asked jokingly from the couch.

"A sneezing turkey maybe. Do you want me to put the television on before I leave?"

"Sure, put on anything, just for noise."

Lisbon knowingly flicked to some documentary on Animal Planet. Maybe he'd decide to watch it after she left.

"I'll keep my cell phone on. You can use the land line to call me if you need anything as I'm assuming you no longer have a cell phone."

"I still have the phone. Just stopped paying the bills and charging the thing."

She rolled her eyes as she grabbed her purse from the chair.

"Do you want anything from the store?"

"Eggs?" Jane asked hopefully.

"Why do I even ask?" She was smiling though. "I won't forget eggs. I'll make sure to get a couple dozen with you here."

She was halfway through the door when Jane called her.

"Lisbon!"

"Yes Jane?" She had peeked back around the door to address him.

"Thank you. For everything."

"You're welcome."

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_A/N: One more chapter to go :'(_


	9. Epilogue

_Epilogue_

**2 Weeks Later:**

"Only you would name a dog after a narcotic." Lisbon chided as they scaled the hill behind the park.

"In my defense, Belladonna means pretty lady. I thought it was fitting."

"What, name a stray mutt pretty lady?"

"You know what they say Lisbon, you can't judge a dog by its coat?"

"Don't think I've ever heard that one before though if I judged you by your 'coat' a couple weeks ago, I'd say you were a maple tree."

"Very funny. Thankfully, I'm not a canine."

"Are you sure you didn't hallucinate this dog Jane? We've been up and down this trail a couple of times now and I haven't seen any sign of any animal other than that red squirrel, never mind a dog."

"I'm quite sure though I usually saw her at night."

"Now you tell me."

"She has to be around here somewhere. Let's go up and back one more time please?"

Lisbon sighed. "Nothing better to do on my weekend off though I'm glad we went to see Nicole first. Do you really think she'll get better?"

"You definitely made a huge breakthrough. I know ceasing her coloring for a minute may not seem like such a big achievement but it is believe me."

"I don't know what made me do it."

"I should have figured it out. Red John knew to pick a trigger I would never attempt. If you hadn't stopped to give Nicole a hug as we were leaving, I don't think we would have ever found out. The key is affection. I wouldn't give affection because she reminded me too much of my daughter. The doctors cared for Nicole sure, but it wasn't something they would be apt to do either. Now that you my dear, have discovered the initial breakthrough, it's only a matter of time before her mind can start the rehabilitation process."

They walked in a comfortable silence a ways, enjoying the warm spring day as the trees around them started to bloom. The wooded park was a special place within the city where you could almost forget about the real world for a while and simply get lost in the feel of the breeze and the song of the birds singing in the trees.

It was Lisbon who finally broke the silence. "So, have you made any decisions about any of the apartments we checked out last weekend?"

Jane smirked and waggled his eyebrows.

"You did didn't you?"

He pulled a pair of keys from his jacket pocket and jangled them in front of her face.

"So? What did you decide? Let me guess. The place on the beach?...or maybe that quiet place up in the hills?"

"Neither. Actually, I went to see this other place earlier in the week. It has everything I'm looking for. Just signed the lease yesterday actually."

"That's great Jane. So where is this place?"

"It's not too far actually. Down on Clover St." He pointed in the general direction.

"But that's…" Her eyes widened as it hit her. "No."

"What? It's perfect."

"Out of all the complexes in the city, you choose mine?"

"Sure. Think about it. Being neighbors, we could carpool to work together, have movie nights, long walks in the park…"

"Wait, you're coming back to work?" Lisbon found a nearby rock to sit on. Things were flying at her too fast. She needed a moment to catch up.

"You didn't think I'd let you start your first day with your new team alone now did you?"

"Is that why the new director asked me to lead the new missing person's unit?"

"Apparently, you're the only one who can handle me." He sat down on the rock next to her, hoping she wasn't disappointed in the career move. She should be director by now for crying out loud, probably would be if it wasn't for him. "I'll understand if you don't want to take it."

She sighed. "Actually it'll be nice not dealing with victims that are already deceased all the time. That and Cho deserves his own team. He'll do the serious crimes unit well."

Jane nodded, a faraway look suddenly masking his features. Lisbon wondered if this was his intention all along. Maybe no longer working with murder victims was a condition of his return. She could certainly understand it. It would be rewarding to help people and with Jane's skills, they had a good chance of finding a good portions of those missing people. Her thoughts were interrupted by a crashing sound through the woods. Before she had time to think, a white bundle of fur sprang out of the woods toward them. The dog seemed excited to see Jane but unsure of Lisbon.

"Here, give some of this to her." He passed over the paper bag he had been carrying.

Lisbon frowned. "But that's my muffin."

"I'll get you another one just trust me."

Lisbon reluctantly tore off a chunk of the muffin and tossed it to the dog. She jumped up on her hind legs to catch the piece in her jaws before it even reached the ground. She then placed her head on Lisbon's leg, tail wagging.

"See., she likes you."

"Only because I'm feeding her my lunch."

"Do you see how skinny she is?"

"Eating the Jane diet I presume."

"No, I'm guessing she's nursing pups."

"How do you know that?" Lisbon asked, throwing another piece to the dog.

"Because, I can see them."

"What?" Lisbon turned to where Jane was looking behind her. Sure enough, two little furry heads emerged from the other side of a large tree. One was white like the mom while the other was coffee colored. Both were male. "Should have brought more muffins."

"Looks like mom's been doing an okay job unfortunately at her own expense."

Jane was right. The pups did seem relatively healthy compared to the mother. They wearily avoided the rock with the two strangers sitting on it but then ran to their mom.

"Now what do we do?" Lisbon asked. "We can't just leave them here."

"Thankfully my new residence allows dogs. We can wean the pups off mom so she can start gaining her weight back. Then, you can take one and we can give the other to Grace and Wayne when they come over for game night in a couple weeks. After all, every family needs a dog."

"I don't need a dog. I don't have time for one anyway."

"Nonsense. I already know you want one. That's why your desk at work is cluttered with canine photos instead of family members. You could name one Cho and the other Rigsby."

She elbowed him lightly. "You're terrible at names. I will not be naming the dogs after any friend or coworker."

Jane just smiled, knowing he had already won the whole argument. "Whadaya say we find these pooches some decent grub? I've already sectioned off my kitchen so they won't make a mess of the place."

"You had this planned all along."

"I usually do."

Jane smiled and Lisbon was pleased it reached his eyes. She couldn't really argue with any of it as much as she wanted to. This was almost the identical situation she had dared dream about mere weeks ago on the morning she had found an ill Jane sleeping by the fountain.

"After we get mom and pups settled, how about I treat you to lunch at that Italian place you like so much just outside the city since I did give your muffin away and all. I'll even give you my meatball."

"That actually sounds nice though I should change out of my sweats. Also, you need that meatball more than I do mister."

"Then what are we waiting for? Lead on McDuff."

It was Lisbon's turn to grin. Jane gently slapped his hand against his leg and she was amazed as the mother dog, Belladonna eagerly followed Jane down the hill with the pups at her heels. Lisbon had a feeling she would sleep well tonight knowing all four strays now had a home.

The End

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_A/N: Thank you all for reading. I really appreciate the reviews and comments along the way. I hope you've enjoyed this as I've enjoyed writing again. _


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